A wieghed decision

After looking through some of my pictures from the summer, I noticed that I was hardly in any of them.  I know exactly why.  It's because I don't want to stare at pictures of how fat I have let myself become.  It's sad really.  And I know you're probably saying, "you're being to hard on yourself".  The way I see it, is I haven't been hard enough!  I am the heaviest now than I have ever been.  And I'm sick and tired of it.  When I see a picture of myself I see a watermelon for a body, and a lemon for a head.  Nothing fits me right because my stomach is so big and my boobs are so small!  I can't see my feet, they hurt at the end of the day, I'm starting to have lower back pain and other health issues.  I lost 80 lbs once before so I know I can do it again.  I just need to get myself motivated and make some serious life-style changes.  It doesn't help that I have a boyfriend who is just as unmotivated and lazier than I am.  Has no job, hardly does anything around the house, goes to school one day a week and does nothing but plays video games all day long until the wee hours of the morning.  Not really conducive with trying to get motivated enough to go on a diet or do some exercising.

So I have decided that starting next week, I will make a diet & exercise plan.  I will use this blog to help keep me going and motivated.  I have to stop making excuses and thinking of reasons why I should do this later.  Going to school isn't a good enough reason to not work on being healthy.  So in my daily schedule, I will find time to exercise, whether that be riding my bike, doing laps, walking, whatever!  I will start exercising and cooking my own healthy meals.  I have taken the first step and cut out red meat, and been cutting back on my portion sizes.

Part of my motivation is my grandmother.  Every Monday I give her a bath because she is incapable of doing it herself.  She is 5'4" and about 260 lbs.  She can barely walk, she can't brush her own hair, she can't get herself dressed, she can't get in or out of bed without help, she can't stand up without help and she can't use the bathroom alone.  I don't want to end up like her.  I don't want to have to rely on my child or someone else to bathe me because I'm to fat to do it.  I don't want to have a heart attack in a few years and have to have a bypass.  I have had blood work done and my results were good.  My cholesterol is 149, so I'm ok there.

So again, next week I will sit down and make a plan.  I will post my plan here and I will blog about it every night.  No more excuses, no more putting it off.  I have to do something.  When I lost the 80 lbs I felt pretty damn good.  I looked good.  My old clothes fell off of me and I was able to buy new smaller clothes from the regular department stores.  I didn't have to go the fat lady stores.  I could buy a large, and fit into it.  If I keep going the way I am now, I'm going to be wearing mu mus for the rest of my life.  I'm not going to be the crazy cat lady in the mu mus.

So, as of September 7th I will start blogging about the struggles of my diet.  I will post pictures to help keep myself motivated.  I will do weekly weigh-ins.  I will have to use my grandma's scale, because my scale doesn't go that high.  It's actually embarrassing how big I have gotten, and even though I try to blame other people, I have no one to blame but myself.  I let myself get this obese, I let myself go, no one else.  And it's my responsibility to change it.

So between work, school, taking care of my daughter, and taking care of my grandparents I will add diet and exercise in there.  I will buy healthy foods, I will eat small meals, I will eat healthy snacks, I will get up early and go for a walk before I go to work, I won't let myself end up like my grandmother and I won't let myself become one of those people who lets themselves get so fat, they need a chair to get around.
All these years of beating myself up and putting myself down are going to end.  I'm going to build myself up and slim down!  I'm not going to care what people I don't know think.  I'm not going to let that stop me from taking a walk or riding my bike around the neighborhood.  I am not going to worry about what strangers think of the fat girl out for a run.  This is my motivation, myself.  I'm not going to do this for anyone but myself.  Everyone else will just have to deal with the benefit of my actions.

So here is the latest picture of me.  It's when we went to Disneyland and I think it shows me in all my glorious discusting-ness.  I have cankles, I have a huge, haning fat roll that almost hits my thighs.  I have a nasty, double-chin, my elbow have rolls, I have back rolls, my butt is like a shelf, my wrists are the size of ankles, even my feet are fat and swollen.

It's hard to see, but I am just absolutely disgusted by myself in this picture.  I have been hiding from cameras for to long.  Not wanting to have my picture taken because I didn't want to have to look at myself in them.  I probably weigh more than my mom and brother combined.  I weigh as much as 2 people and bitching and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere.

I will have an action plan written up by Friday of next week.  That's 7 days for me to figure everything out, plan out the days, the meals, and the activities.  I see lots of people loosing weight, and it's my turn to do it again.

Thanks for listening to my rant and my promise.  Words of encouragement will always be welcomed!

My first Poppet!!

I did it!  I finally made my very first poppet!!  She looks pretty good to.  With some practice I'll get better, but for my first I'm happy with her.  I have decided to giver her to my daughter as a welcome home present.  I got one in the mail a few weeks ago, and she said she wanted one.  So now she will have one!  I have some fun  fabric that I will use to make her some clothes and I have a box i bought last year that I was gonna use to put another doll that I was going to make for her.  Now I think it will be perfect for the pretty poppet I made.  I can't wait to post pics of her!  I need to get a new card reader first though.  Mine has finally died.  Cheap piece of crap! 
I gave the doll blue eyes, and will give her brown hair like my daughter has.  She's pretty big, about 18" or so. 
She was a learning experience to, I can't wait to make more now that I know how easy they are to make, and how fast they whip up to.  So many different kinds that you can make to!  If anyone is interested the original forum that they are in can be found here: Poppet and Punkin Forum

Here's the picture of her, she still needs hair though.

Happy Thursday everyone!!

Tonight's lecture

Wow!  What an informative night tonight's lecture was.  A lot of info about our cover letter and resumes.  Everyone is stressing about the resume part because no one really has a whole lot of experience writting them.  I'm stressed but confident that I will do good on my resume.  I'm not tired, which I'm a little bummed about because I wanted to get up before 9 in the morning.  Hopefully I'll get tired soon.  But there was a lot of information to process in class so I think that's why I'm not so tired.
Tomorrow I will have an early night at school because we have summer celebration and I'm going to go from 4-7 so I'll be home at a reasonable hour tomorrow.  Early to bed tomorrow!  I'm stoked!!  Now isn't that a sign that you're getting old??  When you're excited for an early bed time?  Man I sure hope not!  Hopefully I'll get my resume and what not done fairly eary tomorrow, so I can go shopping and find myself a nice outfit for mock interview.  I knew there was a reason I wanted to go to the good will today.  But anyway, I'm going to go to learn2type.com and see what my WPM is so I can accutately put that on my resume.  Ok, I'll paly with it tonight, then do it again tomorow when I'm refreshed and awake!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

School

So far school is going great!  I'm getting an A in perssonal development so far.  Still a week and a half left of it.  This week is all about the cover letter and resume.  I'm nervous about this one, I've never really done a resume before, but I'll do my best at it!
I have to admit, that I'm a little disapointed in this class.  I was expecting it to be much harder than it is.  Our teacher is great and I love having her, I just wish there was a little bit more of a challenge in this class.  I was hoping to be better prepared for my Pharmacy tech homework load.  I found out that we will have 2 tests a week, a quiz on mondays and the test on fridays.  Thankfully we won't have a test over the 4 weeks of information.  That's a HUGE releif for me.  I've above what I've expected so far, I've got 100% in professional developement now.  I just need to work my @$$ off to make sure I get that in the rest of the classes.  I want to make sure that I get the best possible grade I can get.  Getting that 4.0 GPA is going to be hard, but as long as I work harder at this than any other schooling I know I can do it.  That's the key  here, I have to beleive I can do it!  And I know I can do it, so I will do it!!  Of course, a little encouragement and prayer from friends and family won't hurt either.  Which reminds me, I better start taking my focus factor, looks like I need to take 4 tablets a day.  I'm going to need a bigger bottle!! lol

Happy Tuesday everyone!!

Starting School!!

So I have officially started school again.  I candefinately ell it's going to be a challenge.  And that I most definately need to brush up on my math.  The first day was, obviously, the easiest.  Day 2, not so bad either.  Got our first batch of homework, and it was a lot of homework to boot.  Well, a lot for someone who hasn't been in school for over 6 years.  I think the biggest challenge is going to be sleep.  On days that I work the morning shift I need to try to get a 20 min nap in there.  And hopefully, I'll be able to sleep later that night.  Thursday will be the first day I'm able to try that.  I hope.  I have to go and give Oma a bath after work, and hopefully get my homework done before school that night.  From what I understand, when I start the Pharm Tech classes, the home work is going to be a lot more.  But that's ok.  I'll just have to learn to juggle and manage my time better.
The thing that really sucks about all this is it doesn't look like I'm going to have time for any stress-relieving activity.  No crochet, no sewing, no beading, nothing.  But it's only for 9 months, and the last month is an externship so I don't t hink I'm going to have any homework then.  I just need to make sure that I can take the whole month off and just do the externship.  I don't think it should be to hard, I mean it's in April.  People don't really take time off in April.
Well, enough procrastinating and wasting time.  I need to get cracking on my homework.  Wish me luck everyone!

What a summer!

WOW!  What a summer it's been so far!  A road trip down 101 to LA, then a boat to Catalina Island, the to Disneyland and SeaWorld, then back up 101 from LA to Portland!  So much fun.  The only thing that sucked about the vacation was the lack of relaxation time.  But it was all still worth it.  We had so much fun! 
Driving down 101 was a first, and boy was it looong!!  We started at 7am the drove to Lincoln City.  We drove a total of 13 hours that first day.  Made it all the way to the Red Wood forest and camped at one of the campsites.  I couldn't beleive how expensive it was.  It was $35 a night!  That's half the cost of a hotel.  But we took it anyway, we were tired and wanted to relax and eat.  It was worth it.  Plus, it was meant to be.  They'd had a last minute cancelation, so we were pretty damn lucky to get the campsite.  If they had been full, I don't know where we would have camped.
The drive was so beautiful!  I'm so glad we made it.  I've never really been that far south along the Oregon coast.  I think we're definately going to have to do it again.  Now that we have a better idea of what to expect.  I would definately like to take more time driving as well.  There is so much to see and so many touristy things to do along the way.  There were quite a few we wanted to do, but by the time we had gotten there, the place was closed.  We really wanted to go through the Trees of Mystery and do their cable car ride that takes you through the tops of them, but maybe some other time. 
I'm not sure what our favorite stop was.  Everything was so gorgeous.  Sadly we didn't stop to watch the sunset anywhere.  But that's ok. We saw it on the way back home.
The second day was just as exciting.  We didn't make as many stops, but we saw lots of pretty scenery.  Most of northern California wasn't along the coast.  But the forrest was still fun.  We got to drive throuh the redwood forest.  Not through one of the trees, but a side road that veered off 101.  That was fun!  Some of the trees came right up to the edge of the road so that if you got to close you'd hit one.  And I couldn't beleive how huge there were!  I've never seen that many trees that large!
I think the neatest thing on the second day, was the San Fransisco bridge.  The only thing that sucked was the toll both, but it was worth it.  We kind of got lost in San Fransisco to.  That was neat.  Went through downtown, at least I think it was.  I wanted to see more, but it was late so we GPS'd it back to the highway.  That's when we cut over to I-5 and made it all the way to Uncle's house.  It was like 1 am by the time we got there.  But they were expecting us so they left the door open.  It was nice to sleep in a bed.  Next time we camp in the back of the explorer, we're taking an air matress.  It will be much more comfy then.
All in all, it was a good learning experience and it was loads of fun.  I definately want to do it again.  But next time, I want to take more time, and do more camping, and take the time to be able to see all the fun neat things along 101

I'll have to add some pictures later, once I upload them onto my computer.

Busy week!!

It's been a very busy week.  I haven't had much time to do anything!  With work, helping my grandparents out and projects that need to get finished before I leave on vacation, there's been no time for blogging!  I hope to get some pictures uploaded soon to my various online social networks and here. :)  I guess it's a good think it decided to rain today, hopefully going to go and visist my grandman today :)

Happy Sunday everyone!!