Friday, August 27, 2010

A wieghed decision

After looking through some of my pictures from the summer, I noticed that I was hardly in any of them.  I know exactly why.  It's because I don't want to stare at pictures of how fat I have let myself become.  It's sad really.  And I know you're probably saying, "you're being to hard on yourself".  The way I see it, is I haven't been hard enough!  I am the heaviest now than I have ever been.  And I'm sick and tired of it.  When I see a picture of myself I see a watermelon for a body, and a lemon for a head.  Nothing fits me right because my stomach is so big and my boobs are so small!  I can't see my feet, they hurt at the end of the day, I'm starting to have lower back pain and other health issues.  I lost 80 lbs once before so I know I can do it again.  I just need to get myself motivated and make some serious life-style changes.  It doesn't help that I have a boyfriend who is just as unmotivated and lazier than I am.  Has no job, hardly does anything around the house, goes to school one day a week and does nothing but plays video games all day long until the wee hours of the morning.  Not really conducive with trying to get motivated enough to go on a diet or do some exercising.

So I have decided that starting next week, I will make a diet & exercise plan.  I will use this blog to help keep me going and motivated.  I have to stop making excuses and thinking of reasons why I should do this later.  Going to school isn't a good enough reason to not work on being healthy.  So in my daily schedule, I will find time to exercise, whether that be riding my bike, doing laps, walking, whatever!  I will start exercising and cooking my own healthy meals.  I have taken the first step and cut out red meat, and been cutting back on my portion sizes.

Part of my motivation is my grandmother.  Every Monday I give her a bath because she is incapable of doing it herself.  She is 5'4" and about 260 lbs.  She can barely walk, she can't brush her own hair, she can't get herself dressed, she can't get in or out of bed without help, she can't stand up without help and she can't use the bathroom alone.  I don't want to end up like her.  I don't want to have to rely on my child or someone else to bathe me because I'm to fat to do it.  I don't want to have a heart attack in a few years and have to have a bypass.  I have had blood work done and my results were good.  My cholesterol is 149, so I'm ok there.

So again, next week I will sit down and make a plan.  I will post my plan here and I will blog about it every night.  No more excuses, no more putting it off.  I have to do something.  When I lost the 80 lbs I felt pretty damn good.  I looked good.  My old clothes fell off of me and I was able to buy new smaller clothes from the regular department stores.  I didn't have to go the fat lady stores.  I could buy a large, and fit into it.  If I keep going the way I am now, I'm going to be wearing mu mus for the rest of my life.  I'm not going to be the crazy cat lady in the mu mus.

So, as of September 7th I will start blogging about the struggles of my diet.  I will post pictures to help keep myself motivated.  I will do weekly weigh-ins.  I will have to use my grandma's scale, because my scale doesn't go that high.  It's actually embarrassing how big I have gotten, and even though I try to blame other people, I have no one to blame but myself.  I let myself get this obese, I let myself go, no one else.  And it's my responsibility to change it.

So between work, school, taking care of my daughter, and taking care of my grandparents I will add diet and exercise in there.  I will buy healthy foods, I will eat small meals, I will eat healthy snacks, I will get up early and go for a walk before I go to work, I won't let myself end up like my grandmother and I won't let myself become one of those people who lets themselves get so fat, they need a chair to get around.
All these years of beating myself up and putting myself down are going to end.  I'm going to build myself up and slim down!  I'm not going to care what people I don't know think.  I'm not going to let that stop me from taking a walk or riding my bike around the neighborhood.  I am not going to worry about what strangers think of the fat girl out for a run.  This is my motivation, myself.  I'm not going to do this for anyone but myself.  Everyone else will just have to deal with the benefit of my actions.

So here is the latest picture of me.  It's when we went to Disneyland and I think it shows me in all my glorious discusting-ness.  I have cankles, I have a huge, haning fat roll that almost hits my thighs.  I have a nasty, double-chin, my elbow have rolls, I have back rolls, my butt is like a shelf, my wrists are the size of ankles, even my feet are fat and swollen.

It's hard to see, but I am just absolutely disgusted by myself in this picture.  I have been hiding from cameras for to long.  Not wanting to have my picture taken because I didn't want to have to look at myself in them.  I probably weigh more than my mom and brother combined.  I weigh as much as 2 people and bitching and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere.

I will have an action plan written up by Friday of next week.  That's 7 days for me to figure everything out, plan out the days, the meals, and the activities.  I see lots of people loosing weight, and it's my turn to do it again.

Thanks for listening to my rant and my promise.  Words of encouragement will always be welcomed!

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